Saw Robbie today. He came and picked me up at 4 and we went to Applebees then to Carriage Hill. I miss hanging out with him. He's such a positive person, and he really lifts me up every time I see him.

He is definitely one of the best Christians I know. We took pictures on the self timer and I spilled a few secrets and he told me the things he struggles with as a Christian.

We listened to the Appleseed Cast on the way back to my house, and he made me two mix CD's. 

I need more people like him in my life.

Today Devon and I helped Josh get his state ID so he can get everybody alcohol.

I ended up buying Jose Cuervo Tequila, and some strawberry margarita mix. I decided to drink this once. I haven't really seriously drank in a while. It's not an addiction or a problem, I just felt like drinking tonight.

I had one sip of this mixed drink and I was over it.

Josh had a lot of shots, and Matt and Devon drank what Josh didn't.

Everybody kept saying, "what happened to the Hilary that would chug liquor?" 

"What happened to the Hilary that would be drunk within the first 10 minutes?"

I started to get really annoyed and eventually I just said,

"I hate who I was then, I'm not the same person. I'm never going to be that person again".

My drinking days were 90% ridiculous.

Put pretty much I spent 25 bucks on nothing. 

Luckily my bad mood went away as soon as Josh was drunk, because he is hilarious when he's drunk.

I wish I would have went trick or treating. I wanted candy really bad tonight.

And I saw a kid with a big box of Milk Duds in his bag.

Lucky ass.

I really thought I was going to get into that fight today. Of course it didn't end up happening. She was just trying to act hard, but I know her better than that.

Saw Dillon tonight. I was hanging out with Devon, Josh, and Tate, we had no idea what to do, so we got a hold of Dillon because we saw he was online and we drove out to Xenia to see him, at one in the morning. I have missed him so much. He holds my hand and let's me lean on his shoulder any time I want, Devon doesn't even do that. He's one of my very best friends. I love him so much. He is always straight up with anyone, he doesn't give a shit what people think about him, and he will say whatever he wants to whoever he wants, he is an asshole, but I love that about him.

Plus, he's not an asshole to me, so I don't really care.

On the way there, Josh and I sang rap music really loud in my car while Tate and Devon listened to their iPods. 

When we got there Dillon met us outside and we all sat in my car and talked for like an hour and a half, maybe two hours.

They all started talking about when Devon, Dillon, and Derek lived at the Blake house, and all their memories there.

Then Devon said something about making out with two girls or something like that, and it just pissed me off. I guess it was a mix of me being tired and me being a jealous freak.

I'm not going to lie, I know I am super jealous, I'm one of those girls, but it's only because I care so much.

Some people think it makes me crazy. Maybe it does, but whatever, it's who I am. I have anger issues, I am easily angered, I have road rage, I'm extremely impatient, and super jealous.

I still think I'm a pretty cool person. Everyone has flaws.

But anyway, I got kind of quiet and snappy after he said it, and I know it's really stupid, but I don't even understand how my mind thinks. This was probably about three years or so ago, but still. I guess it's just because I know those girls so it made me uncomfortable.

But I guess I can't really rationalize myself being jealous over something that happened forever ago. It's whatever, maybe I'll grow up someday.

I loved listening to Saves the Day with Devon on his couch. And listening to Landing Feet First, it makes me cry every time.

Devon is talking to me about random stuff right now.

He just asked me if Perez Hilton and Paris Hilton were related.

We are sitting in the dark, and he is supposed to be sleeping.

I love him so much.

Today was a really really crazy day.

I lost a friend. I guess I can't even really call her a friend.

I just kind of wanted to end things on good terms with her.  But she writes a blog stating really hateful things about me. I kind of always knew she would end up like this. I knew I shouldn't have trusted her, I should have believed my mom, when she told me that Elisabeth had offered up personal information about me to her. I should have known that she would tell everyone my secrets one of these days. 

I should have known after all the shit she used to talk about Emily and Jenna that she would do the same to me, too.

I'm not saying I was a perfect friend, but she is no better than I am. She will never be better than me.

And it's funny that she says she is going to "destroy" me. Oh god. I'm so frightened of a girl who likes to sew and wear skirts, and write hateful things about people in her journal all day. Sounds frightening. Ha.

I could break that girl in half. And I know I'm talking a lot of shit right now, but I don't care. I don't want to fight people very often, but I really want to fight her and put her in her place.

As for Jake, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I have nothing to say to a loser who has nothing better to do with his time than be pussy whipped by he's psycho girlfriend. Who, by the way, has went on a date with a guy named Nick within the last 7 months. After she's been dating Jake for what? 2 years now?

He shouldn't really be sticking up for a girl who would drop him if she actually thinks she can do better than him. Truth is, she can't, and he can't do better than her either. 

He is just going to be the beaten wife when they get married and I don't feel bad for him. He deserves it.

And Elisabeth shouldn't be making threats to me about killing me if someone touches Jake, and breaking my legs, and blahblahblah bullshit, because I didn't ask ANYONE to hurt Jake.

They want to in defense to me, because he talked a little too much shit to a person that he doesn't even know. This is his fault, not mine.

They are both psycho. I don't care. FTW. haha.

Anyway, 

I know who my true friends are. I'm happy.

They are the people who would never fuck me over. Like Jenna, she has never done me wrong in all the years I have known her, she's never told one secret, she is just a good person, she is not a "bitch and a pedophile" like Jake says. He doesn't even really know her either. He's probably upset because she turned him down, and stopped being friends with his crazy girlfriend.

I can't say that I don't care what these people say about me, because I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be wasting my time writing about all of this.

But this is one way for me to get everything out. It's not me being a bad ass behind a keyboard, it's me expressing my feelings and if anybody wants to know my feelings, they can read too. I don't care.

I officially don't care if everyone knows the truth about what I think and feel.

I miss Dillon,

I have to kiss Derek's cheek every time I see him,

Rae is my bodyguard and best friend,

I love Jenna when she is drunk,

Steve is the realest dude I know,

I miss Gypsy Jewitt and Lindsey Jewitt,

Neacey is a bad ass,

Jen is beautiful,

Lynette is strong,

I could go on and on and on about my friends. My real friends. I have so many more, and I am so lucky.

Devon and I have been together unofficially for a year and 5 months, we have dated other people, and I don't regret it, I have made some great friends along the way, some forever friendds :)

But, I love Devon and he has fucked up in the past, and I have fucked up in the past. We are giving this one more go.

ONE MORE. I have faith in him, and I think he has faith in me too. I'm not going to do anything to fuck up our relationship. I'm going to be honest, always.

"no huff and puff could dismantle us" :)