I hate liars more than anything, I usually always find out when my close friends are lying to me, because I'm not a dumbass, and it pisses me off when they try to get away with lying to me. How stupid do they think I am? Don't they KNOW that if I find out they're lying, I am going to be 10 times more mad than if they would have just told the truth?

I don't think they fucking understand that.

I'm in a pissed off mood at the moment, I'm tired of people lying who claim to be my "so-called" friend, it's fucked up.

If you're gonna lie to me, then get the fuck out of my life.

I felt like shit the entire day, and I did nothing. I hate days like this. It's like, I finally have a day off and I don't do anything. I wanted to do something productive but I felt too sick to.

I wish it was summer so I could take a long drive through the country, that's one of my favorite things about summer. I miss driving to Tipp City, taking 202 to see Jared and Savannah, 202 is my favorite road. Besides the Taylorsville Dam during the fall. The last time I actually spent quality time outside was with Robbie two months ago.

Ever since Jill's friend Jed died, I keep thinking about my friends, and how careless they can be sometimes. It makes me worry, I'm so scared to see someone I care about, die. I'd rather be the first to go, I don't know how I would cope with a loss like that.

My Mama Mae and Daddy George died a few years ago, but I mean, I was close to them, but not like my mom or any of my friends. I loved them so much, but I saw them once a year, so it was hard for me to get close to them.

I remember the summer after both of them had died, I went into their house with my grandmother and aunt and brother to get a few things when I was visiting down south, and I started crying almost immediately after we entered the house, it still smelled the same, it still LOOKED the same, nothing had changed, all my broken toys were in the same chest they had always been, the deer heads still hung in the family room that always scared me as a kid, their beds were made, I couldn't take it.

I couldn't imagine having to relive that every day.

I just value my friends and family a lot, and I'm starting to get paranoid about them getting hurt or dying.

Wow, this turned depressing.

she told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh, i told her i didn't and crawled up to sleep in the bath.

Today was a really great day, got up around 9:30, left my grandparents at about 10:30, and had my license back by 1:30.

Devon and I picked up Josh and went to the Dayton mall. It was so jam packed and I felt rushed so I didn't really get to get anything, besides my eye brows strung by and Indian woman at Nirvana, and 3 almond pretzels, with 3 caramel dips. I tried shopping in Forever 21 at one point, but Devon seriously said, "Oh, come on!" every 5 minutes. That happened twice until I left.

Later that night we went to Gregory's, and waited for Jill to come over so we could go out to eat. We went to Applebees and apparently they were out of everything, mozzarella sticks, onions, etc. etc.

We kind of thought it was bullshit, and that they just didn't want to spend time fixing us decent food, so when we got our food it was cold, and gross. The buns on my chicken rancher were worse than buns from Mcdonalds or something.

I gave Jill her fringe jacket, and I didn't get Gregory anything, not yet anyway, I just don't know what to get him.

He gave me American Beauty and the Virgin Suicides, and Jill gave me a peace bracelet, a really pretty scarf, and a book that was full of movie quotes and pictures. It was seriously the coolest gift I've ever gotten. I loved it so much.

We went back to Greg's and played Scattegories, it was so fun, Devon and I had never played before.

You know, it's really cool when you find out how much fun you can have without having to get fucked up. Just hanging out with your friends, talking, playing games, watching movies, it's still really fun, you don't need alcohol or drugs to have a good time.

I'm really really lucky. I have everything I've ever wanted.

a few of my favorite things

I am finally at peace with a certain issue I was letting get to me too much.

I'm already wearing my new Christmas clothes, I don't give no fucks.

I always go off on these weird tangents whenever I write in this thing, but I think I'm just going to write about my day today.

I hung out with Devon, Dillon and Derek all day + Steve. I was really sick, but I needed to get out of the house, I just didn't need to work. Haha.

We went to the Oregon District and went into the smoke shop, and then I went to Feathers, an antique store down there, and then we went to Goodwill and Dillon stole some Grandpa glasses that Devon wore all night.

We picked up Steve and hung out for a while, just driving in Derek's car listening to music, I fell asleep on the ride home.

But of course as soon as I get home, I can't go to sleep.

I had a frutista, but there is nothing good on the television, and I can't stop coughing.

I played some Pokemon Snap, and that brings back the past so much. I miss Michigan a lot.

I want to visit so bad, but I feel like work holds me back a lot. We don't have a very big staff. There is only ten of us, and we usually all work sometime in the same day, especially during any holiday.

I have spent over a hundred dollars in the past couple days. Mostly because I bought clothes online, but I spent quite a bit of money today too. I wish I knew how to save money better, but I feel like it's impossible, I get the most during Christmas and on my birthday, but I spend it all just as quick as I get it.

I don't like my manager at all. I think she's a bitch. She's talks to people like she's above them, it pisses me off. I love work besides the fact that she's the manager. 

Paid for my classes and books for next semester. I'm looking forward to it, the only thing I'm not excited about it getting up early, that was my downfall last year, but I won't let it get to me this year. I'm going to try REALLY REALLY hard. I have faith in myself.

Devon is right, there is virtually no food in this house. I always buy too much junk food.

I want to go to school to be a chef, but I can't stand it when Devon asks me to make him food, but I think that's mostly because I have no food to cook.

random

When I get really mad my heart starts beating really fast, and I can feel it in my chest,

like when I see a person I hate, or I'm in an argument.

I get light headed at random times, like when I'm ringing someone out at Hallmark.

I hate when people tell me I'm "obsessed with Myspace", you're not obsessed if you get on because you have nothing better to do with your time because you don't have a license, and you can't just drive to Matt's house anymore and hang out. I think it's a cool way to get a hold of friends without talking on the telephone which is something I despise greatly unless you can actually hold a conversation with me which can only happen if you are, Jillian, Cody Bryan, or Jared, lately anyway. Maybe there are more of you out there, but I haven't found you yet.

I like the people that make me talk so much that my mouth gets dry, but I don't care and I keep talking.

I really want to go on a train ride. Like, to a certain destination. Like what I did outwest, or when I went to Canada. I feel like I didn't appreciate it as much when I was younger as much as I would now. They are just fun, I don't care if I get soot in my eyes, the window seat is worth it.

I want to go on one this summer, I would also love to visit California, finally, for the first time ever.

I was an asshole in high school, not saying I'm not still an asshole, but I was an asshole to the people I actually care about. I'm not like that anymore.

I like how Devon and I can sit in the same room and not talk at all and be completely comfortable. I can sit here with tissues stuffed up my nose, typing on my computer, while he's sitting there playing football on his PSP. And we don't have to say a word to still love each other the same. 

Usually for me, if I was dating a guy, I could never be this comfortable with them, we would be sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV and I would be racking my brain for something witty and cool to say, but with Devon, I just don't give a shit.

Besides the fact that girls do not poop. Enough said, people.

You know what surprises me every time? Meeting new girls that are actually cool. It happens on only rare occasions. 

You know what I seriously hate? More than anything?

Stupid girls that hit on guys with girlfriends.

I have done it before in the past, it was stupid. 

GET YOUR OWN!!!!! You know? I mean seriously, do you have to try to take away people that are already taken? It makes me so mad, and I'm not just saying that because of my own personal experience because sure, I've had it, but I get mad when it happens to anyone, especially my girl friends.

Not all the good guys are taken, so find your own.

I'm done for now.

you know that you are not alone,

need you like water in my lungs

the past

I've let go a lot of things recently. A lot of things that were really weighing me down.

I'm going to talk about my past. For the last time.

I feel like if I type it out, I will feel a lot better. I'm going to leave out some certain details that I don't feel like sharing with everyone, but I'm still going to share a little bit.

I was born in Greenville, South Carolina.

My parents divorced when I was two and my mom got remarried when I was three.

They were only married for a year, he had drug problems and he sold a lot of my mom's stuff so he could get money for his addiction.

When I was 4 we moved back to South Carolina from North Carolina to live with my Nana, my mom met someone that was visiting family. He was from Michigan, my mom talked to me about moving there, but I didn't really want to, I wanted to stay close to my family and my Dad.

One day I literally woke up in someone's pull out bed in Taylor, Michigan. I awoke to about 5 people staring at me, who eventually turned into my new cousins, aunt, and grandparents.

We lived in this guys parents basement for almost a year, he was 28 years old, he spent all of his time on the computer, online, or playing computer games. His friends used to get together and play Dungeons and Dragons. He was a REAL winner.

We moved a bit when I lived in Michigan,

we went from Taylor, to Lincoln Park, and then Dearborn Heights.

Living in Dearborn Heights was seriously the best experience of my life.

I made friends with people who I still talk to today, who I still consider best friends and even family.

I was 8 when I moved there, and I lived there until I was 10.

We used to stay up as late as we could on the weekends, create our own plays, read each other's diaries, obsess over Pokemon, make up stories together, ride our bikes and play at the playground at our elementary school.

I remember when we used to pretend like we had our own church, and we would dunk each other's heads into the sink and act like we were baptizing each other, and drink grape juice and eat bread (that was my favorite part).

Every day I spent with these girls was amazing. Something I will never EVER forget.

My location in Dearborn Heights was perfect, all 4 of my best friends lived on the same street, so did the boy I liked, I could walk to school, the park was in bike riding distance and I could always walk to a small party store after school that had cinnamon Jolly Ranchers that I loved.

The man that my mom married cheated on her. He met someone over the internet, and they got a divorce when I was 10. My mom said she couldn't stand to live in Michigan anymore, she wanted to be close to her mom, who lived in Ohio.

So that's where we moved.

I lived in Centerville for less than a year, I had barely any friends because I was completely out of my element and too shy to speak.

I had one friend that lived in my apartment complex that used to steal baby birds from nests and bring them to my house, I remember my room had a bathroom, and the computer was on my floor. I spent my time watching 90210 and writing in my Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen diary.

I packed all my journals and stuffed animals into a treasure chest right before the year 2000 because I thought the world was going to explode and I didn't want to forget any of it.

I moved to Huber Heights when I started junior high. For the most part, I hated it. I hated my new step-dad that my mom had recently married. I hated most of the kids I went to school with. The best part of junior high was Mitch Emerick and Lauren Beal, two people I won't ever forget.

Kids called me "Giraffe" behind my back in my church basketball team.

People used to ask me if I was going to throw up all the food I had on my tray after lunch,

In the 8th grade people assumed I was a slut because I said I would do stuff with guys, even though I never did, I just wanted to fit in.

I wanted to be popular and I wanted people to like me. Junior high was for the most part, a living hell. My best friend stole my boyfriend, and almost the entire time I was in junior high I was made fun of for being too skinny, too ugly, too tall, my hair, how I dress.

Kids are really cruel.

The worst part was my new step-dad. He grounded me from my journal, he found out I talked to a boy on the phone so I was grounded from talking on the phone in my room until I was almost 16 years old. I spent most of the 8 years of them being married, grounded in my room.

He pushed my friends away, and my boyfriends away, he just really freaked everyone out.

Something serious happened in the 8th grade and my parents separated for a year. I spent most of my time crying or pissed off. My mom was always mad at me, and I felt really alone.

The best part of my entire time at Studebaker was when I was Tweedle Dee in the play in 8th grade. I had so much fun with my friends, and on stage. It's an experience I won't forget.

My family in South Carolina really only saw me a couple weeks out of the year, except the time when I was there for a month in a half because my mom was dying in the hospital from Lupus.

The time I spent in South Carolina was either hell or it was awesome. There really wasn't in between.

I don't know how many times one family can go to Dollywood.

The best times that I can remember were with my step-sister Beth and my brother Marshall.

I remember the first time I ever smoked a cigarette, Beth and I went behind my Mama Mae's shed and smoked. It was quite possibly the nastiest thing in the entire world. I think I was 13 or 14. We walked all the way to Winn Dixie once to get a phone card so I could talk to my boyfriend at the time. We would stay up all night talking, I just had a lot of fun with her. She knows me better than anyone.

My dad and I never really talk. It's kind of awkward, we don't know what to say to each other.

The best conversation we've ever had was about the Doors. It's weird because our personalities are exactly the same. We both are easily angered and stubborn. He's the black sheep of my family, the one who didn't go to college, who isn't wealthy, the one who did drugs and drank, not the oldest sibling and not the youngest, never really got much attention, and still doesn't.

In the 8th grade, I met someone who is still as significant person to me this day, his name is Josh Grisham, and even though I don't feel the same way about him now as I did before, it doesn't mean that he didn't mean a lot to me. He was a big part of my life for about 5 years. I never stopped having a crush on him in those 5 years, I'd drop any guy if he gave me the time of day, which is really embarrassing to admit. We had a lot of great times together, Kings Island, times at church, that one time at when he wrecked into Mcdonalds because we couldn't stop laughing at the cashier, Yellow Springs, all-nighters, he was one of the only people who I truly liked a lot. I never really let guy affect me in the sense that it was hard for me to get over them. I kind of just let it go when it came to most guys, but not him.

Anyways, right before I started high school, my parents sent me to Troy Christian, because there was no way in hell they were going to let me go to Wayne High School. High school for me was a lot of ups and downs. Ups when it came to the total of 5 close friends I had, and memories of homecomings, spending the night in Emily's basement, sneaking Josh Schoonover over any time we could, driving in his car, walking in downtown Troy, every single ESM week, going to cruises during spring break, mission trips that you hated while they were happening but loved after they were over. The downs being my family issues growing worse, thoughts of death, and the loneliness I felt in most of high school.

When I came to that school, I remember the first day I wore my favorite jeans, bracelets up and down my arms, purple high tops that I drew all over, a ton of necklaces, and a black Eeyore shirt.

I had one friend until Spring of that year. People didn't talk to me, I had boys call me a freak, and everyone thought I was, "punk". It's seriously so hilarious to me.

I guess I was kind of mean back then, I didn't really open myself up, my only friend Alisen and I would make fun of every person that walked by, I fell in love with the first boy I saw wearing a Bowling For Soup shirt.

I was a dumbass.

My best friends for the first half were Christine Inman, and Elisabeth Colucci.

I don't care what has happened between Elisabeth and I, I won't ever forget our friendship. Making up nicknames for everyone, making journals, writing notes all the time, sitting alone at the lunch table, sharing every single secret we had together, the Clayton park, walks to Wendy's, we have so many memories together. I know we recently had a falling out, but I won't forget her, and I'm going to try to remember her for those memories not the recent angry ones.

As for Christine Inman, that was a WASTE. I remained friends with her in high school because I just wanted there to be peace, I didn't want the drama. We were a small class of under 70, everyone knew everyone else's business.

It's so funny to me that we got into a serious fist fight a few months back. I shouldn't have wasted my energy!

I had one serious boyfriend in high school, Josh Schoonover. We had to keep it a secret for a really long time because my parents hated him because I smoked pot with him once behind Emily's shed my junior year.

Stupid. He's still a great friend. I walked all over him. I'm not gonna lie, I was terrible girlfriend, he did everything for me, and I took a lot of it for granted.

Jenna and Emily came into my life my junior year, funny thing is, Emily and I always seemed to get along more than I did with Jenna, but I'm only friends with Jenna now.

I'll never forget though, when Emily and I convinced Josh Schoonover that I had fake boobs.

You gotta be an idiot to fall for that. My boobs aren't even that big, if I was that vain, I'd just go for double D's! (jk, of course)

After I turned 18, I started drinking and making a lot of silly mistakes.

I went to school still drunk one day, I was sitting at the front of the school with Joey's coat, and one shoe, the principal unlocked the door for me and I had to call Emily so she could bring her sisters clothes for me.

Her 13 year old sister. lol.

But, I met Devon Watson, AGAIN near the end of my senior year. I dated him for a week when he lived in Huber and we were in 7th grade together. I always thought he was really cute, and I was really surprised when he remembered me when I saw him at a show.

We kind of talked off and on for a couple months and then he asked me out the day after I graduated.

I ended up losing my virginity to him fairly soon after we started dating. I always wanted to wait for marriage, but I guess I just threw it out the window.

The summer of '07 my parents separated because my step-dad put a gun to his head and told me it was my fault because I didn't love him, and if I didn't love him, his life wasn't worth it.

They eventually got divorced a year ago this month.

My mom was still strict on me, but I could hang out with who I wanted. There was no one there to push my friends and my boyfriends away, I did what I want, but with a curfew.

It got to the point where I was sneaking out every night, and getting picked up by my friends.

That summer was the best and the craziest summer of my life. I just miss my truck and driving around with Devon listening to Four Year Strong, and how whenever I hung out with Leanna she would drive my truck for me. Going to the Oregon district, and the Eastwood lake, when Matt and I figured our lives out, "Limousine" by Brand New.

I won't forget the time when I snuck out and my mom called me in the middle of the night, I was caught, and she said, "Hilary, where are you? Get home now" and  I said, "Mom, I'm 18, and I'm not coming home."

Devon and I had to break into his mom's old apartment to stay, we pretty much always were trying to find ways to get drunk, and Josh Clark drove us around, we spent most of our days at Matt's, I just sat and watched them play guitar.

Until the 4th day when I got so drunk I blacked out, got arrested and I woke up in the hospital.

My mom came and got me, my feet were almost black from running around in the streets, and everything about me was a mess, that's an experience I never want to experience again.

But even though a lot of messed up things happened that summer, I made a lot of mistakes, it was still my favorite, and honestly I can't really remember much but the good.

The rest of the year until the next summer was up and down.

I cheated, like I never said I would do. But trust me, I would never do that again, I know how it feels to be cheated on, it's the worst feeling in the world. I love Devon more than anything, I would never hurt him again, I couldn't. I couldn't cheat on him again, before I was an idiot, but I have never been more sure of how much I love him, hurting him and cheating on him would not be worth it again. We both haven't been perfect in this relationship but we are the best we have ever been.

Anyway, in the past year, Devon and I have broken up and gotten back together, I have tried to date others but it always failed because my heart belongs to one person, I saw Bright Eyes in NYC with Leanna, Elisabeth lived with me for 3 or 4 months, and I lost her as a friend, Jenna has become one of the people I trust the most, her and Robbie are the ones that really stuck around after high school, I have lost my faith, got it back, I have done a lot of drugs, made a lot of mistakes while drunk, lost some friends that weren't really worth my time, I dated a girl named Rae which I do not regret in the least bit, I have lost all respect from most of my family members, Dillon and Derek are considered to family to me now, I've ran my mouth, I've kept quiet, I have made some friends that have changed my life like, Jill, Neacey, Sarah, Gregory, Steve, Jay, Tate, Rae, Ned, and the girls from work, I have kept some great friends that know who they are, I have lied, I have laughed, I have gone without a cell phone for 8 months, I have snuck into Woodland cemetery with some of my favorite people, I have had one of the best conversations late at night with Rae, I went to a rave, I got what I wanted, always, I've made some of the biggest mistakes I've ever made, and I have done stuff I swore I would never do, this past year and a half has seriously changed my life so much.

I'm not who I used to be. Most people would consider that a bad thing, but honestly I have grown so much.

I'm a lot more mature than I used to be. I don't drink anymore, and if I do, I don't get drunk, and I'm not as into drugs as I used to be.

I still like to "go big or go home" though.

The one moment that changed my life the most though, was when I almost lost my life.

That was the scariest moment of my life, people don't realize that the doctors said I really did almost lose my life.

5 days in the hospital made me realize life is worth it.

It's kind of a touchy subject to me, especially when people say I did it for attention.

I didn't, I was truly sad and fed up.

I know what it's like to feel like there is nothing left, but ending your life isn't worth it, I promise.

I think I am so much stronger now, so much happier, more outgoing, life doesn't get me down anymore, I don't let it.

I have so much to live for.

I went to college and I quit, but I'm going back January 5th and I can't wait.

I can't to see what's ahead, what is coming up for me. It makes me really excited.

I'm not posting this for attention, I'm doing it so people know a little more about me, instead of assuming everything they've heard is true. If anyone has questions for me about my life, I will answer honestly.

I'm tired of being called a "whore", a "drunk", a "druggie".

If you want to know the real me, find out for yourself. 

I haven't written in a while. I don't really know why I stopped writing, I guess I was just afraid what people would think about me.

Why do I do that?

Why do I even care what anyone thinks about me. I try to be a hardass and pretend like I don't care, but the truth is I care too much.

I was watching Bad Girls Club tonight (lol) and one of the girls got really pissed and angry at these girls who were talking shit about her at a restaurant she was at, and she started yelling at them, and then she just threw a drink in their face and got everyone kicked out.

I know I would never throw a drink in anyone's face, I haven't done that since junior high, but, I was thinking that I probably would have done the same thing, I probably would have tried to start something with them.

And then all her roommates weren't coming outside to her, or something, and she got really upset and was saying how they weren't there for her and stuff, and didn't care.

When she got home she started crying talking about how she didn't even know them but she cared about them already.

It's like she gets really pissed, makes a scene, and then cares what people think of her afterwards.

I'm the same way.

I have really learned to control my anger lately, I am A LOT better than I used to be, but it was kind of like, anytime I would hear that someone said something shitty about me to my face or behind my back, I immediately FREAKED OUT, and started something.

Like the army dude in Tipp City, he threatened to fucking fight me, and I was calling him out, when I get mad, I don't care. I'm not afraid to say what I want, or punch someone in the face.

I'm not saying that to sound like I think I'm a bad ass, because I know I'm not.

I'm extremely insecure.

I cry at the drop of a hat, I used to get pissed at the drop of a hat.

I don't know why I'm like this, but it's the way I am.

I don't even know what really brought this about, but anyway,

went to court today, found out that if I get pulled over with a suspended license again, I'll go to jail for 10 to 30 days.

Which bummed me out, but my grandparents and I are already getting things taken care of.

Talked to Jill for a while tonight, I love talking to her. It's weird because we haven't been close very long, but I know that she is here to stay. I just know. I've had friends that I was close with for a while, but I knew it was temporary. It's not temporary with her. She makes me laugh more than any other person, even more than Jay, and I can talk to her about anything and everything, and she understands.

Anywaysss, I think I'm going to bed. I have work tomorrow/today at 11.

I already know I'm going to be dragging my feet.