Why am I even here anymore? Honestly.

I say that to myself a couple times a month. I remember when I almost moved to St. Mary's. I really should have done it. I really wish I did, a lot of the time. So I can hang out with people who aren't going to screw me over royally or just treat me like shit. Not saying that everyone around here is like that, because it's definitely not true, why else would I even stay if everyone was terrible to me?

I don't know why I care about Devon or even want to be his friend sometimes. We get in a little fight and he talks about how he doesn't want to talk to me the rest of the night and he doesn't think he's going to talk to me tomorrow or go with me to get my tattoo. 

Just because I accidentally hit him in the face. lol.

It was a total accident, we were joking around and he accidentally hit me, so I turned around to barely hit his shoulder and I hit his face, and he immediately went from a smile to a frown with those crazy eyes he gets when he gets pissed, and he takes his stuff and goes to his room. Then he comes in my room asking for the lap top (HA!), and asking me if I want to talk it out, and why I'm mad.

Uhhhh... really????

So I told him that I didn't mean to hit him in the face and I told him that, but he didn't care. Then he goes on about how I was mad that he added these girls that he used to claim he never wanted to speak to again, and why should I care, and blah blah blah.

I care because it's annoying that he lies all the time. 

Try being honest for at least a day, JUST ONCE.

Haha, I hope he reads this someday. I don't care.

This is my perspective. I know I'm not perfect, I know I start stuff sometimes, and I can get an attitude easily. But at least when I tell people about my fights with Devon, I tell them exactly everything. I don't leave out how I acted like an idiot like he does when he tells people about our fights.

It's whatever. Fuck it.

Dear Jill,

So, let's go somewhere.

Somewhere far away this summer.

I started saving up my money, I have over 500 dollars right now. I'm probably going to take a small trip to Michigan next month to visit my twins, and Debbie. I'm thinking of leaving on a Thursday then coming back Sunday night. I wanna see Bill and Alyse and everyone, and I wanna eat sandwiches in Lynette and Jen's kitchen and stay up late in Lynette's room, talking.

But this summer I have even bigger plans.

I'm thinking of maybe going to Chicago to stay with Sarah for a week, if she lets me.

But some even bigger plans would be to take a bus to New York (which I can already afford right now), and then stay for a few days and shop, and visit Strawberry Fields and China Town, and everywhere. That sounds like so much fun, but that's going to take a lot of money.

I also want to go to California for the first time ever, but I don't know how much that is going to cost me, but I figure I can save up over a thousand by the time my birthday is over and just go from there. Until July or so. I should have a lot of money to do what I want with.

I'm just excited for the future. I can't wait to start doing things on my own and having fun.

Dear Jill,

Sorry I didn't call you back, 

I haven't been able to have the talk yet.

He never reads this.

I know he doesn't.

I love him so much, I put so much into this, so much time, so much effort, one year and eight months.

It's funny how violent we get when we get really mad. I can't help but hit him, he can't help but almost put a hole in my mom's bedroom wall.

I feel like when I'm being physical with my anger, I feel better. But I think I just get more mad.

Today was really rough, a lot of tears. Too much time to myself to think.

We had about 4 customers at Hallmark in a period of 5 hours, so really it was just me and Rachel sitting on the counter tops, texting our friends, and me thinking mostly.

I don't know if many people understand how hard this is.

I don't want school tomorrow, I don't want school anymore. I was so excited for it, and I really liked it, now I have no motivation.

I'm so bipolar, my outlook changed within a day.

I swear to God it was that black cat I saw yesterday at Hallmark. It was the weirdest thing in the world. It was standing right outside the door staring in. I'm not a superstitious person at all, but for some reason that gave me a terrible feeling, like something bad was about to happen. Maybe it's just a coincidence but I took it as a bad omen, and look at what happened, today. I know I'm probably just being an idiot, but I don't know. I keep thinking about it.

Dear Jill,

I've been so good lately, I feel like when things are going really well it's hard to write, because when things are going good, you don't have time to write about it because you're doing it.

School is going well, I think, I hope. I've been doing all of my assignments, but I feel like they run everything by me so quickly that it doesn't give me a chance to really understand what I'm learning or even hearing really.

Friends seem to be really good. Elisabeth and I made up, I feel a lot better, like a weight has been lifted off. I can't stay mad for very long, we had a really good talk and I feel better about things.

It feels good to forgive and mean it.

Scott Lee said something about a march in Troy on Monday, I think I wanna go. It's good to stand up for what's right.

I feel so lame for sounding so happy go lucky.

But I feel good. I'm excited for Jill to come home, and I'm excited for NOTORIOUS this weekend, plus I've been watching all my favorite shows since I got home from work.

I think last night I watched them play Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics for three hours, but I can't be so sure. I think I was just as into as they were.

I went to bed incredibly early last night. 12 AM, which isn't really that early, but it's early for me.

I woke up today at the time I set my alarm for, and I took a shower and I wasn't late to class.

I feel so good, I love that I am up this early, and that I am actually doing something with my life, finally.

Proving all the people wrong who said I would never go back to school, it feels so good showing people that I'm not just going to have a minimum wage job all my life. I'm going to school for something I love, food. 

I feel like there are so many more options for me, now. I don't have to work at Hallmark in Dayton, Ohio for the rest of my life. I can move to California, or Arizona, or New Mexico and become a chef out there, and get married, and raise a family, and never have to struggle like my dad did.

I'm happy.

2009 so far has been mediocre. Especially with all the fighting at Ben Lee's the other night, then the bad mood I was in yesterday afternoon. The only thing good so far is that I discovered cotton candy Pop Rocks, and I saw Jill and she was dressed like Edie Sedgwick. This girl and I are going to have a lasting friendship, we watched some Freaks and Geeks with Devon at my house, then we talked for hours about everything, like we usually do. 

Today I want to go to the mall, and get books. I know I still have to finish Breaking Dawn, but I want to get more books to read.

I feel like I'm boring to Devon, he always tells me that I'm not, but I still feel like I am. He always wants to go out and party with our friends, but I'm not really into partying, I went through that phase and I don't want to go back, that was a bad time in my life, I don't want to go back to it. I'd rather just curl up on the couch and watch a movie, or go see a movie, or go out to eat, just spend time together, or with our friends just chilling. The best times I have is when we go over to Matt's and I watch them play video games and we just hang out.

I tried to make a list of resolutions I have for 2009 but I don't really have any, besides don't fuck up anymore.