I haven't been able to have the talk yet.
He never reads this.
I know he doesn't.
I love him so much, I put so much into this, so much time, so much effort, one year and eight months.
It's funny how violent we get when we get really mad. I can't help but hit him, he can't help but almost put a hole in my mom's bedroom wall.
I feel like when I'm being physical with my anger, I feel better. But I think I just get more mad.
Today was really rough, a lot of tears. Too much time to myself to think.
We had about 4 customers at Hallmark in a period of 5 hours, so really it was just me and Rachel sitting on the counter tops, texting our friends, and me thinking mostly.
I don't know if many people understand how hard this is.
I don't want school tomorrow, I don't want school anymore. I was so excited for it, and I really liked it, now I have no motivation.
I'm so bipolar, my outlook changed within a day.
I swear to God it was that black cat I saw yesterday at Hallmark. It was the weirdest thing in the world. It was standing right outside the door staring in. I'm not a superstitious person at all, but for some reason that gave me a terrible feeling, like something bad was about to happen. Maybe it's just a coincidence but I took it as a bad omen, and look at what happened, today. I know I'm probably just being an idiot, but I don't know. I keep thinking about it.
2 comments:
weird things happen. i know what you mean about getting a weird feeling; i get those sometimes too, and i am superstitious. i really just dont know what to say. ive said it all, and i cant help but know that if you dont do anything about it, youll just keep getting hurt. thats not something i want to say, its something i hate to say, actually, because youre such a nice girl, so undeserving of being treated like you are. but its something that i have to say, because its what i believe to be true, and thats all i can give. i know you're not asking for anything from me, but i still want to help more. i never feel like im doing enough, but i cannot do more, its a terrible feeling. helpless feeling, kind of. anyways, i cant change the situation, and i cant do anything for you, but i can be by your side, with as much truth as i can grab in my hands to give you.
and i think everybody knows the truth is often a big old pile of shit, but its a big old pile of shit thats necessary to see, as ugly as it is.
the truth will set you free!
value yourself, youre the only thing you really have. and no magical, intense, romantic love story is ever going to change that.
don't be discouraged. i have days like this all the time. one day, or maybe even a few days straight, i'll be on top of the world. then BAM, I have a "bad day" and i feel like giving up on everything. nothing even happens necessarily to make the day bad. i just feel down, like nothing will change, and there's no point. but then, maybe a day or two later, i'll be good again.
i think this stupid weather has a lot to do with it. i've been getting anxiety a lot lately. my doctor told me about these podcasts about anxiety to listen to on this website called kaiser permenente. they help calm you and what not. i know anxiety may not be whats bothering you, but its calming.
love you! hope you feel better!
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